Maybe I should try and do some writing.
Think, Think, Think.
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Today on Youtube I watched and listened to Caitlin Moran's Letter to teenage girls.
|Some flowers from our garden, pressed to keep.|
Some of my favourite things that Caitlin Moran says:
"The minutes always come one at a time, inside hours that come one at a time, inside days that come one at a time-all orderly strung, like pearls on a necklace, suspended in a graceful line. You will never, ever have to deal with more than the next 60 seconds."
"Your body wants to live- that's all and everything it was born to do. Let it do that in the safety you provide. Protect it. That is your biggest job. To protect your skin, and heart."
"Buy flowers- or if you are poor, steal some from someone's garden, the world owes you that much at least; blossom. And put them at the end of the bed. When you wake up, look at them and tell yourself that you are the kind of person who wakes up and sees flowers. This will stop your first thought being, 'maybe today is the day I cannot survive any more,' which I know is what you would otherwise think. Thinking about blossom before you think about terror is what girls must do in the bad years"
I'm a girl who is afraid a lot. Anxiety surrounds and overwhelms me constantly, especially when I am in the hospital. I'm so so grateful for the NHS and so lucky to have doctors and nurses who care and look after me. Sometimes I don't mind hospital. There is time to think, to draw or read. To learn and all things like that. I try to be happy when I am at hospital and remember that there, I am safe. I try not to see hospital as a scary place, it is a place to get better and to get strong. But a lot of the time, it's easy to forget that and just be afraid. I get really scared. Hospital can be painful or boring.
It can be upsetting and frustrating too, hurting so much. And spending all of my teenage years in hospital, sometimes it all gets too much! I get very upset and sad sometimes.
I try my best to be good and brave.
60 seconds at a time.
A blood test can only take about 30 seconds (sometimes! If you are lucky!)
Lumbar punctures take longer; They can be the worst, but count the seconds. Soon it will be over.
Count the seconds. Even the doctors and nurses tell you to count the seconds and breathe.
So you can keep being brave.
So you can keep being brave.
If I can do 1 minute physio, maybe I can do 10. Maybe I can keep going. Maybe I can get stronger and stronger!
My body is not very good at wanting to live, at least I don't think. I am not dying, I know that because I asked. I used to ask a lot because I was so scared. I'm glad I was never laughed at. Even if I don't understand things, I'm told what is going on and what is happening to me.
Even before reading this letter. I thought a lot about flowers. I think Flowers are one of my favourite things. I love when the weather gets warm and flowers start to properly grow. Flowers seem so friendly. Flowers keep growing. Maybe they are brave.
So often I think 'today will be the day that I can't survive any more'.
But I do.
Sunday, 20 March 2016
|Ready for an adventure!|
My birdwatching book, COLLINS COMPLETE GUIDE TO BRITISH BIRDS
A notebook and pencil
One of my hats
and about £3 in change.
It seemed I was ready for an expedition!
It was a really nice thing for us to do. It wasn't much, but it's not often that I get to do things like this, so it meant a lot.
It's been such a nice day, I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want it to end. I can't help but worry, that maybe Mama made today so nice because she knows that tomorrow will be a difficult day.
Tomorrow, I have to go to the hospital again, I go there so much. It is normal for me but I still get so scared. It will be a long and maybe painful day.
At least I will have today to remember, to get me through tomorrow.
Here's to the good days.
Monday, 7 March 2016
A silly little drawing!
I drew this a while ago when I was trying my new fine-liner pens. I hope you like it! My Mum thinks that it is a cute little doodle. My hands wobble sometimes, so my drawings are a bit wobbly, I guess that's just my style! I really enjoy drawing and will post more of my silly little drawings here!
I hope you are all okay